Didn’t He Do Well…?

Everybody loves Bruce Forsyth don’t they? Of course they do, especially you, you love him, look at his face, go on look at it, look at it now.

Even in supermarket photo booths Bruce insisted on suiting up

Can’t you see him staring, undressing you with his eyes? That’s right, he wants you. But as much as the nation loves this experienced entertainer, so many questions about him remain, and today we’re going to uncover a few things here that might help to understand the enigma a little better.

Brucey is of course a consummate showman, but this is an act developed over years and years, and like any good artist, he is a product of his influences. So what are the ingredients that Brucey has baked to make his light entertainment cake?

 

Both are polished regularly by a team of young assistants

1) The ‘Thinker’

You know the pose, this one, yeah that one off the art you pretend to know all about. Well it turns out Brucey is a lover of classical sculpture, and spent his early career as a circus strongman conveying the poses of many masterworks while simultaneously performing feats of abnormal lifting.

The most inspiring was his interpretation of Rodin’s piece and when he joined The Generation Game he made it his sole aim to lift the hearts and souls of the nation through this performance piece, a pose his muscles are now so used to performing that off-camera he remains in the contemplative contortion.

Not a member of the associated guild of window cleaners

2) The Formby Catchphrases

George Formby Jr. was a much renowed star of stage and screen, with a persona reliant on catchphrases. “Turned out nice again” and “Oooh Mother” being two of the biggest crowd pleasers. Formby consistently innovated, trialling new catchphrases, but his fickle audiences only ever wanted the classics. As a result the new catchphrases that Formby dreamt up every day were written in a document that at the time of his death reached 400 pages and could only be read with a magnifying glass.

The document was soon after bought at a closed auction by a little known compere named Bruce who subsequently tried a few of Formby’s lost masterphrases in his act. The catchphrases stuck, and they have stayed in use ever since. It is thought that Bruce has been adding to the phrases in the book, much like Formby did, and the volume – now bound in human skin and stretching over 650 page – is expected to be donated to the British Museum on Brucey’s death.

This boy was banned from school for being too manly

3) Teenage boy’s mustaches

It has taken Brucey most of his career to develop his mustache to the point where he is truly happy with it, and that inspiration comes from each every teenage boy who thinks it’s about time he showed the world how manly he is and grow some lip fluff. When he was a teenage boy himself, Brucey was under a strict tash embargo because the styling products in common use at the time had been found to be massively combustible under stage lights.

As a result Brucey never got the chance to show the world just what his lip fluff would look like, something he has always regretted. A series of more adult mustaches followed once asbestos doped gels were introduced, but it is only now that the pencil fluff he has long dreamed off can be worn proudly.

Specially treated to stop feet bursting into flames

4) Dancing Spasms

When Brucey is nervous he’ll do a little bit of a dance, you’ve probably noticed it but put it down to part of the act. In fact this is a bonafide medical condition known as “Jigger’s Spasmosis”. The disease was fatal  in every recorded case until the early 1920’s, with sufferers often dancing so hard they would spontaneously combust; such an incident led to the death of 500 people in a Glasgow music hall, a cure was found following hurried research soon after.

What is lesser known is that the disease is sexually transmitted. Studying archive footage shows no record of Brucey dancing until shortly after a countrywide theater tour with the up and coming performer Terence Cuppington, performing furious dance routines under the stage name “Terry Sunset”. Terry is still performing today as a light entertainer/ventriloquist in working men’s clubs, but has never broken through into mainstream success due to long held insecurities over his incessant dancing tics. Neither Bruce nor Terry have confirmed any sexual relations, but those long tours sure do get lonely.

“Better to die dancing, than to live on your knees.”

5) Viva La Revolution

In a parallel world we would have been denied one of the country’s best lover entertainers, but we would have gained a freedom fighter the likes of which the world has never seen. Bruce, inspired by notorious revolutionary figures such as Che Guevara, has long fostered a burning hatred for corrupt authority in all forms. You wouldn’t think it, but Bruce has long been plotting the downfall of both the British parliament and Royal Family.

Conquering the world of light entertainment has put Bruce in a unique position, one that he exploits by consistently yet secretly refusing any form of official honors. This has led to a pronounced schism between his legion of fans and the country’s authority, that in a stunning coda will culminate with Bruce on his deathbed urging the masses to revolt, ending in a gargled “Nice to see you, to see you… erragh”